1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,000 {\an2}This programme contains strong language 2 00:00:04,040 --> 00:00:06,000 {\an2}Tickets, please. 3 00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:07,480 {\an2}Oh! 4 00:00:09,440 --> 00:00:10,440 {\an2}Yeah. 5 00:00:10,480 --> 00:00:11,480 {\an2}This isn't my fault. 6 00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:14,400 {\an2}Oh, my God. 7 00:00:14,440 --> 00:00:16,400 {\an2}Oh, my God! 8 00:00:16,440 --> 00:00:17,440 {\an2}Argh! 9 00:00:20,360 --> 00:00:21,440 {\an2}Bloody hell! 10 00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:22,480 {\an2}Mum? 11 00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:23,520 {\an2}Ah! 12 00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:26,440 {\an2}I say! 13 00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:28,480 {\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 14 00:00:34,720 --> 00:00:39,800 {\an2}Hello! Welcome to a brand-new series of Taskmaster. 15 00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:41,840 {\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 16 00:00:44,280 --> 00:00:47,840 {\an2}it's the goon gulag, the performance penitentiary, 17 00:00:47,880 --> 00:00:50,160 {\an2}a penal facility for the makers of hilarity. 18 00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:52,320 {\an2}Lock up your laughter. We've got two BAFTAs. 19 00:00:52,360 --> 00:00:54,680 {\an2}If you want comedians doing tasks, we're what you're after. 20 00:00:54,720 --> 00:00:56,920 {\an2}Wik-ah, wik-ah, wik-ah! STARTS BEATBOXING 21 00:00:56,960 --> 00:00:58,040 {\an2}With five silly comics, 22 00:00:58,080 --> 00:00:59,080 {\an2}a big man in a throne, 23 00:00:59,120 --> 00:01:00,160 {\an2}and sitting right next to him, 24 00:01:00,200 --> 00:01:01,240 {\an2}the man that makes him moan. 25 00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:02,520 {\an2}Not moan in a sexy way - 26 00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:04,440 {\an2}moan because he is a wonky-toothed fool. 27 00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:07,120 {\an2}Plastic shoes, like a kid, you know it will be chaos, 28 00:01:07,160 --> 00:01:08,320 {\an2}you know there will be pain. 29 00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:09,360 {\an2}And when someone wins, 30 00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:11,160 {\an2}they'll take a rubbish trophy home - we start again! 31 00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:13,200 {\an1}WHOOPING 32 00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:16,200 {\an2}Please welcome... 33 00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:17,480 {\an2}..Chloe Petts... 34 00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:19,880 {\an2}..Isy Suttie... 35 00:01:21,240 --> 00:01:22,320 {\an2}..Matt Lucas... 36 00:01:23,360 --> 00:01:25,080 {\an2}..Nina Conti... 37 00:01:26,080 --> 00:01:27,760 {\an2}..and Richard Ayoade! 38 00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:32,920 {\an2}And sitting next to me - a man who is like an egg, 39 00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:34,200 {\an2}because he's so fragile - 40 00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:35,960 {\an2}a mouse, because he's frightened - 41 00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:37,680 {\an2}and like a village fete marquee, 42 00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:40,320 {\an2}because he's always erect around senior citizens. 43 00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:46,000 {\an2}Please welcome little Alex Horne! 44 00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:48,040 {\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 45 00:01:49,040 --> 00:01:50,040 {\an2}Not always! 46 00:01:50,080 --> 00:01:51,480 {\an2}Not always. Often. 47 00:01:51,520 --> 00:01:53,840 {\an2}Well, what a big day this is. Ah-ha. 48 00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:55,600 {\an2}New series. Yep. I'm so excited. 49 00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:58,840 {\an2}I wanted to get you a present, Greg, to mark the occasion. Mm-hm. 50 00:01:58,880 --> 00:01:59,960 {\an2}I've got you this. 51 00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:01,520 {\an2}Have a look at this, Greg. 52 00:02:01,560 --> 00:02:02,560 {\an2}Genuine. 53 00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:06,600 {\an8}I sponsored a dog waste bin 54 00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:07,840 {\an8}in your name. 55 00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:08,880 {\an8}It's in Witham. 56 00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:10,480 {\an2}Have you really done that? Mm-hm. 57 00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:13,480 {\an2}Good. I like it. It'll be there forever. 58 00:02:13,520 --> 00:02:14,960 {\an2}If forever is one year. 59 00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:19,120 {\an2}It's time for the first prize task category. 60 00:02:19,160 --> 00:02:20,640 {\an2}Yes, Greg. And to give this series 61 00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:22,560 {\an2}the lift-off it deserves, 62 00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:25,160 {\an2}the category is the droopiest object. 63 00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:27,760 {\an2}Oooh! I know, it's a tough opener, 64 00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:29,600 {\an2}because if there's one thing Greg knows about, 65 00:02:29,640 --> 00:02:31,600 {\an2}it's drooping. 66 00:02:31,640 --> 00:02:34,000 {\an2}Five points for the droopiest object - 67 00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:35,840 {\an2}five droopy things for the episode winner. 68 00:02:35,880 --> 00:02:39,880 {\an2}And now it's time for this soppy git to judge their floppy bits. 69 00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:40,960 {\an2}I've been Alex Horne. 70 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:45,680 {\an2}And off the back of that, welcome, Chloe. 71 00:02:45,720 --> 00:02:46,880 {\an2}Thank you so much for having me. 72 00:02:46,920 --> 00:02:47,920 {\an2}What's your droopy thing? 73 00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:50,880 {\an2}Well, unfortunately, I'm worried that I've sort of failed at 74 00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:51,920 {\an2}the first hurdle here 75 00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:54,160 {\an2}because I haven't brought you a droopy thing. 76 00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:57,480 {\an2}I've actually bought you an extremely erect thing... 77 00:02:57,520 --> 00:03:00,120 {\an2}Ah. ..that I would like to share with you. 78 00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:01,800 {\an2}Oh-oh-oh-oh! 79 00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:04,160 {\an2}Oh! Do you like this? Yeah, I like it already. 80 00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:06,720 {\an2}Please touch it. 81 00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:09,440 {\an2}You have my consent. 82 00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:15,120 {\an2}Droopy! That's a laugh. 83 00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:17,480 {\an2}It drooped! It drooped. 84 00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:18,520 {\an2}Thank you. 85 00:03:20,720 --> 00:03:23,240 {\an2}It's a hell of an opener. Yeah! 86 00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:25,360 {\an2}Hello, Isy. Hello. What have you brought? 87 00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:29,520 {\an2}I've brought oaty soup in a pair of tights. 88 00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:31,800 {\an2}Yes, she has. 89 00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:32,880 {\an2}Oh! 90 00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:37,160 {\an2}Just a normal pair of tights. 91 00:03:40,040 --> 00:03:41,280 {\an2}It's pretty droopy! 92 00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:45,240 {\an2}And someone can win that. 93 00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:52,280 {\an2}I get eczema, and my mum told us to put 94 00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:56,680 {\an2}one leg of a pair of tights over the bath tap with some oats in. 95 00:03:56,720 --> 00:04:00,560 {\an2}Yeah. And you run the water through the tights. 96 00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:03,000 {\an2}Oh, yeah. Your mum's an 18th century witch, isn't she? 97 00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:08,520 {\an2}So the kind of oaty soup soothes the eczema. 98 00:04:08,560 --> 00:04:12,880 {\an2}But the tights stretch and stretch and stretch. 99 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:14,960 {\an2}And then afterwards you can't resist just swinging 100 00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:17,760 {\an2}them around your head like a mediaeval weapon. 101 00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:21,040 {\an2}Oh, right. And you can make porridge if you use the hot tap. 102 00:04:21,080 --> 00:04:22,080 {\an2}OK. 103 00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:24,640 {\an2}Who wouldn't want 104 00:04:24,680 --> 00:04:27,640 {\an2}to eat porridge out of the gusset of some tights? 105 00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:29,800 {\an2}Who doesn't? Who doesn't? 106 00:04:29,840 --> 00:04:30,920 {\an2}Matt. Hello. 107 00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:34,760 {\an2}Hello. So I acquired a plush toy of 108 00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:39,280 {\an2}the whimsical cartoon character, Droopy, and I took the stuffing out. 109 00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:42,000 {\an2}So now it's even more droopy. It's a droopy Droopy. 110 00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:43,040 {\an2}Aw! 111 00:04:48,520 --> 00:04:49,800 {\an2}He always reminds me of you, Droopy, 112 00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:51,160 {\an2}because he seems unhappy on the outside, 113 00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:53,240 {\an2}but actually, he's quite chirpy on the inside. 114 00:04:53,280 --> 00:04:55,280 {\an2}And also, he was born in 1943. 115 00:04:58,120 --> 00:05:01,240 {\an2}And have you seen videos of yourself lately? 116 00:05:01,280 --> 00:05:02,960 {\an2}No. Honestly. 117 00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:05,800 {\an2}Flick through earlier episodes of this 118 00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:07,880 {\an2}and you see someone age before your eyes. 119 00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:09,520 {\an2}It's like the end of Indiana Jones 120 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:12,840 {\an2}when that when that Nazi's face melts off. 121 00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:18,840 {\an2}I love your droopy Droopy. Thank you. 122 00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:19,960 {\an2}Hi, Nina. Hello. Welcome. 123 00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:21,000 {\an2}What have you brought? 124 00:05:21,040 --> 00:05:25,480 {\an2}I've brought a specific part of a thing because it's very droopy. 125 00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:28,080 {\an2}It is a monster from a famous film. 126 00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:30,520 {\an2}It's a bit of fan art, I think. 127 00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:34,960 {\an2}it's the guy who has hands for eyes and droop for arse. 128 00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:36,120 {\an2}Have a look. Oh! 129 00:05:36,160 --> 00:05:37,160 {\an1}LAUGHTER 130 00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:41,160 {\an2}That looks like my eczema. 131 00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:42,800 {\an2}Hooray! 132 00:05:42,840 --> 00:05:44,360 {\an2}We don't have the film rights, 133 00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:47,080 {\an2}but we are allowed to show just the arse of the creature. 134 00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:49,000 {\an1}LAUGHTER 135 00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:50,440 {\an2}It's coming to us all, isn't it? 136 00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:56,240 {\an2}As you saw in the dressing room, mine's like a peach. 137 00:05:56,280 --> 00:05:57,320 {\an2}Yeah, nothing like that. 138 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:01,240 {\an2}It isn't! No! 139 00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:05,240 {\an2}Richard, what droopy object have you bought for us? 140 00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:08,240 {\an2}I was asked to look after a plant once. 141 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:12,120 {\an2}And this is it 142 00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:15,320 {\an2}in the early stages of my looking after it. 143 00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:18,680 {\an2}Greg, he's brought in a droopy plant. 144 00:06:18,720 --> 00:06:19,880 {\an2}I know! 145 00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:22,400 {\an2}It's not even that droopy! It's not. 146 00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:25,800 {\an2}It's actually a pretty decent plant. Pretty decent plant! 147 00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:26,920 {\an2}I say, water that once, 148 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:29,680 {\an2}you've got yourself a lovely bit of houseware, there. 149 00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:31,680 {\an2}I'm actually sad to see that go. Yeah. 150 00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:35,680 {\an2}Right. Have you got scores for me, Greg? I have. 151 00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:38,360 {\an2}I'm going to give Richard one point. Mm-hm. 152 00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:40,240 {\an2}Two points for Chloe's one. 153 00:06:40,280 --> 00:06:42,720 {\an2}Droopy I'm going to give three points to. 154 00:06:42,760 --> 00:06:45,000 {\an2}I'm only giving it three points because it made me feel so sad. 155 00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:47,040 {\an2}And I don't want to feel sad at the beginning of a series. 156 00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:48,320 {\an2}OK, Matt Lucas three points. 157 00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:49,360 {\an2}Four is Nina. 158 00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:51,200 {\an2}And just because they shocked me 159 00:06:51,240 --> 00:06:53,680 {\an2}and because they have positive medicinal benefits, 160 00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:55,000 {\an2}I'm going to give Isy Suttie 161 00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:56,600 {\an2}five points for her porridge tights. 162 00:06:56,640 --> 00:06:58,280 {\an2}Well done. Isy Suttie gets five points. 163 00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:03,480 {\an2}OK, on we go. What's task number one, 164 00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:05,360 {\an2}please, Alex? Well, for once, 165 00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:08,720 {\an2}task number one is genuinely the first task they all filmed. 166 00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:11,440 {\an2}So let's have a look at their very first day at school. 167 00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:12,480 {\an2}Ooh! 168 00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:28,840 {\an2}Oh, hello, Richard. 169 00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:32,040 {\an2}Hi. 170 00:07:32,080 --> 00:07:33,080 {\an2}Hi, Isy. Hi. 171 00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:38,320 {\an2}Hello, Alex. Hello, Chloe. 172 00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:41,880 {\an2}It's a toilet! 173 00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:45,840 {\an2}That's a cupboard. 174 00:07:48,520 --> 00:07:49,520 {\an2}Hello! 175 00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:51,520 {\an2}I probably should have 176 00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:54,160 {\an2}watched this show before coming on it. Ah! 177 00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:57,320 {\an2}Yeah. Anyway, do you want me to sit down? 178 00:07:57,360 --> 00:08:00,800 {\an2}Yes. Normally, people sit down and they open the envelope. 179 00:08:00,840 --> 00:08:03,160 {\an2}All right. You see, I told you I should have watched this show. 180 00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:07,000 {\an2}This is nice, isn't it? Yes. The seal. 181 00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:10,720 {\an2}22 series. Yeah. 182 00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:11,960 {\an2}No, I'll take your word for it. 183 00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:13,200 {\an2}All right, here we go. 184 00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:18,680 {\an2}OK. Your first task is to put 185 00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:22,000 {\an2}the golden apple on the golden plate. 186 00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:25,920 {\an2}If the golden apple touches the ground, you are disqualified. 187 00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:29,600 {\an2}Also, you must be handcuffed to Alex throughout. 188 00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:34,520 {\an2}Fastest wins. Your time starts when your hands are cuffed. 189 00:08:34,560 --> 00:08:35,920 {\an2}Taskmaster. Mm-hm. 190 00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:38,880 {\an2}Yeah, that's the name of the show. Right. And I'm Alex. 191 00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:40,320 {\an2}So here we go. Alex, you say? 192 00:08:40,360 --> 00:08:42,600 {\an2}Happy with this one? This wrist? Yeah. 193 00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:43,720 {\an2}Don't cuff me yet. 194 00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:46,240 {\an2}I want to see if I can find the golden apple first. 195 00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:49,840 {\an2}I knew you were going to go that way. 196 00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:52,400 {\an2}OK, you can cuff me now. 197 00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:54,720 {\an2}Much kinkier than I expected this to be. 198 00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:56,080 {\an2}Is it? 199 00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:58,080 {\an2}Which hand would you like? It doesn't have to be hand. 200 00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:01,240 {\an2}Probably it should be. It doesn't have to be hand? 201 00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:02,280 {\an2}Well... 202 00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:04,560 {\an2}Foot, please. You're going to go foot? 203 00:09:07,520 --> 00:09:09,240 {\an2}I think this is going to make things easier. 204 00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:10,680 {\an2}Yeah. Through the lace. 205 00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:11,720 {\an2}OK. 206 00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:14,880 {\an2}There we go. 207 00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:17,600 {\an2}Shall we go to the kitchen? 208 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,640 {\an1}APPLAUSE 209 00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:27,000 {\an2}Very good. Thank you. The foot thing. 210 00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:28,480 {\an2}It was offered. It wasn't offered! 211 00:09:28,520 --> 00:09:29,840 {\an2}You'll go far in this show, young man. 212 00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:32,760 {\an2}Thank you very much. Let's have a look. 213 00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:35,840 {\an2}OK. Well, first, to follow in the ancient footsteps of Hercules 214 00:09:35,880 --> 00:09:37,920 {\an2}and find the golden apples of Hesperides 215 00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:41,680 {\an2}while handcuffed to Horne is Nina and Chloe. 216 00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:42,720 {\an2}Oh! 217 00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:44,480 {\an2}Fuck's sake. 218 00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:46,080 {\an2}Golden apple and the golden plate. 219 00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:48,240 {\an2}OK, so we have to locate where the golden apple is. 220 00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:50,200 {\an2}We're off, are we? We're off. 221 00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:51,600 {\an2}I can see the plate. 222 00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:54,840 {\an2}Now this apple. 223 00:09:56,080 --> 00:09:58,480 {\an2}Do you know where it is? No. 224 00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:00,080 {\an2}But do you actually? Yeah. 225 00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:03,000 {\an2}PHONE RINGS Stop it! 226 00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:04,720 {\an2}Why is that ringing? Is it over? 227 00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:08,120 {\an2}Hello? NEW ZEALAND ACCENT: Shed. 228 00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:09,800 {\an2}What do you say? 229 00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:11,320 {\an2}Shed. A shade? 230 00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:13,360 {\an2}Shade? A lampshade. 231 00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:19,160 {\an2}Turn around. Turn around now! 232 00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:20,200 {\an2}This way. Stay! 233 00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:25,400 {\an2}To find the golden apple, you must go to the shed. 234 00:10:25,440 --> 00:10:26,600 {\an2}This way. 235 00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:27,640 {\an2}Shade... 236 00:10:29,560 --> 00:10:31,440 {\an2}PHONE RINGS Did you say shade? 237 00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:34,120 {\an2}Shed. She said shade again. 238 00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:35,720 {\an2}Shed! She's Scottish. 239 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:37,640 {\an2}Let's go. Shed. 240 00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:39,280 {\an2}Shed, is it. So I'm in the shed. 241 00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:41,120 {\an2}I'm in the shed as well. Thank you. 242 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:43,760 {\an2}What's in this thing? 243 00:10:44,880 --> 00:10:46,600 {\an2}Oh, God. Oh, no. 244 00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:49,200 {\an2}Oh, no. Come on. Is it? 245 00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:53,520 {\an2}We have to go up here. OK. Because it's gold. 246 00:10:53,560 --> 00:10:55,000 {\an2}Right. 247 00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:58,360 {\an2}We're going up here. Are we? Yeah. Follow me. 248 00:10:58,400 --> 00:10:59,720 {\an2}It's lovely to meet you. 249 00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:01,960 {\an2}Sorry about where my head just went. That's all right. 250 00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:03,800 {\an2}The first time a man's been there. Mm. 251 00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:05,840 {\an1}LAUGHTER 252 00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:20,440 {\an2}Oh, yes. Oh, yes! Look at this. Wow. 253 00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:24,080 {\an2}Oh, it's very Greek. 254 00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:25,560 {\an2}Right, Alex, we're through. 255 00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:27,760 {\an2}Well, you're through. Ow! Come on! 256 00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:31,200 {\an2}Good boy. 257 00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:35,040 {\an2}Right, so there's the golden apple. 258 00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:37,520 {\an2}There she is. 259 00:11:37,560 --> 00:11:39,720 {\an2}Where does the golden apple have to go now, Alex? 260 00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:41,200 {\an2}Not on the floor. 261 00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:42,440 {\an2}Oh, shit. 262 00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:45,440 {\an2}OK, not on the floor. 263 00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:47,720 {\an2}We need to stand on these. 264 00:11:47,760 --> 00:11:49,920 {\an2}Ah, clever. To get them a little bit... That's a good idea. 265 00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:54,440 {\an2}Oh, OK. 266 00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:56,560 {\an2}Right, we're going back to the first room. Yeah. 267 00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:03,400 {\an2}Clock's stopped. Well done. 268 00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:04,440 {\an2}Golden plate. 269 00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:06,200 {\an2}Golden fucking plate. 270 00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:09,040 {\an2}That's pissed me off, that has. 271 00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:10,560 {\an2}Mm. Me, too. 272 00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:13,760 {\an2}Stop the clock. 273 00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:16,920 {\an2}Have you got the key for that? 274 00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:18,600 {\an2}I've got the key for my side. 275 00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:21,520 {\an2}See you later. Thanks, Chloe. 276 00:12:21,560 --> 00:12:24,600 {\an2}This is quite fashionable in the queer community. 277 00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:34,680 {\an2}Straight off the bat - lovely competitive energy from you. 278 00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:36,960 {\an2}Yeah, he's quite frustrating as a presence. 279 00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:38,880 {\an2}Oh, I despise the man. Yeah. 280 00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:41,760 {\an2}And you'll be pleased to hear I've watched all 22 series, 281 00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:43,080 {\an2}so I knew that very well. 282 00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:48,800 {\an2}Yeah. I'm sorry to say, Alex - you have aged. 283 00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:53,320 {\an2}I don't want to say badly. 284 00:12:53,360 --> 00:12:55,200 {\an2}It's just the passage of time has happened to happened to you. 285 00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:56,680 {\an2}And that's all right. It's like a filmed candle. 286 00:12:58,000 --> 00:12:59,600 {\an2}You still congratulated 287 00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:02,040 {\an2}him on slamming his face into your special area. 288 00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:04,560 {\an2}It's not that special, Greg. 289 00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:07,520 {\an2}Don't talk it down. 290 00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:11,280 {\an2}I thought yours was a very good audition 291 00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:13,600 {\an2}to be a daytime detective, 292 00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:18,400 {\an2}just because of, "Shed? Shed? Shed? 293 00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:19,520 {\an2}"She's Scottish!" 294 00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:26,360 {\an2}Point of fact - she was Rose Matafeo, and she's a New Zealander. 295 00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:27,560 {\an2}Oh, really? 296 00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:28,760 {\an2}They were both quick. 297 00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:32,520 {\an2}Chloe - ten minutes 20 seconds, Nina - six minutes 40. 298 00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:34,160 {\an2}Whoa! Oof! 299 00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:36,400 {\an2}It's a good start. Hercules - several months 300 00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:38,120 {\an2}to find the golden apple. 301 00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:41,160 {\an2}Right, stop! Adverts. 302 00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:42,560 {\an2}Back soon. Bye. 303 00:13:50,920 --> 00:13:52,440 {\an2}Hello! 304 00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:56,560 {\an2}Welcome back to episode one, where the new rivals are trying 305 00:13:56,600 --> 00:13:58,920 {\an2}to find a golden apple and place it in a golden plate, 306 00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:01,760 {\an2}but in some grotesque affront to humanity, 307 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:03,360 {\an2}they had to be chained to a 308 00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:04,960 {\an2}yet-to-be-exposed pervert. 309 00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:07,000 {\an1}LAUGHTER 310 00:14:08,520 --> 00:14:10,920 {\an2}Thank you Greg, and happy anniversary to my parents. 311 00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:13,920 {\an2}Yes. So here's Isy and Richard. 312 00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:26,440 {\an2}Um, and then, uh, yellow paint. 313 00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:28,080 {\an2}Is that in the craft drawer? 314 00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:31,880 {\an2}Fastest wins. When your time starts when your hands are... 315 00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:33,160 {\an2}Head to the shed! 316 00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:40,760 {\an2}Where are we going? Uh, shed. Uh, shed. 317 00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:45,920 {\an2}Where are we going? Shed! 318 00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:56,440 {\an2}Do we call that golden? 319 00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:58,200 {\an2}You can if you want. OK. 320 00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:00,320 {\an2}If your right foot goes first I'll have warning. 321 00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:01,360 {\an2}Yep. Now. 322 00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:08,160 {\an2}Oh, my God. 323 00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:13,760 {\an2}Are we in Narnia? 324 00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:19,040 {\an2}I think we're close to the golden apple now. 325 00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:25,560 {\an2}How are your eyes? 326 00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:31,520 {\an2}OK. 327 00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:35,720 {\an2}Um... Is it... Are they in here? 328 00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:37,200 {\an2}What? What is they? 329 00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:39,720 {\an2}The crafts. Sure. Yeah. 330 00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:41,920 {\an2}One, two, three... 331 00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:42,960 {\an2}Oh! 332 00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:48,560 {\an2}One, two, three... 333 00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:53,720 {\an2}Thank you. 334 00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:56,920 {\an2}I've forgotten the task. 335 00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:58,640 {\an2}Put the golden apple on the golden plate. 336 00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:01,760 {\an2}Let's call this golden. 337 00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:02,840 {\an2}You want me to stop the clock? 338 00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:03,880 {\an2}Yep. 339 00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:11,600 {\an2}OK. 340 00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:17,760 {\an2}Lay them on their side. That is a golden plate. 341 00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:19,280 {\an2}This is a golden apple. 342 00:16:20,520 --> 00:16:23,000 {\an2}And that is good as gold. 343 00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:31,200 {\an2}Good. Well, I was thrilled 344 00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:33,560 {\an2}that you bothered to look at the back of the task. 345 00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:36,360 {\an2}And therefore, you straight away saw 346 00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:37,840 {\an2}you should go to the shed. Yeah. 347 00:16:37,880 --> 00:16:39,000 {\an2}And you found a grabber, 348 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:41,880 {\an2}but you decided not to use the grabbing facility - 349 00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:45,040 {\an2}just to use it as a giant snooker cue, really. 350 00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:49,120 {\an2}When I was just saying, "One, two, three," it was like, 351 00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:51,360 {\an2}I couldn't believe I was going to do it. 352 00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:52,680 {\an2}And then I didn't do it. 353 00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:55,280 {\an2}Surely she was fast? 354 00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:56,640 {\an2}It was quick. Well, no, it wasn't quick. 355 00:16:56,680 --> 00:16:58,200 {\an2}It was 14 minutes 42. 356 00:16:58,240 --> 00:17:00,800 {\an2}It was slow. But was it acceptable? 357 00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:03,000 {\an2}Was it acceptable for her to put a golden apple into 358 00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:05,600 {\an2}a silver bowl with some coffee pods in it? 359 00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:09,480 {\an2}Do you think you succeeded? 360 00:17:09,520 --> 00:17:10,520 {\an2}Ye-e-e-s... 361 00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:14,920 {\an2}Richard, in terms of your approach to the task, 362 00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:17,320 {\an2}is this how it's going to be for the whole series? 363 00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:18,440 {\an2}I presume you're going 364 00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:20,800 {\an2}to show absolute contempt for the tasks. 365 00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:23,440 {\an2}I have trauma-wiped all of this. Trauma-wiped? 366 00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:24,760 {\an2}Trauma-wiped it. Trauma-wiped? 367 00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:26,760 {\an2}Try and dig into your trauma because it was you, 368 00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:28,160 {\an2}and answer the question, 369 00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:30,880 {\an2}was that a golden apple and was that a golden plate? 370 00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:31,960 {\an2}Final answer yes. 371 00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:41,160 {\an2}I put it to you that that that was a yellow bowl. 372 00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:44,040 {\an2}That's a golden bowl. 373 00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:46,840 {\an2}Golden plate? 374 00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:47,920 {\an2}Or plate. 375 00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:53,480 {\an2}I mean, weirdly, gold is yellow. I've done some research. 376 00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:56,480 {\an2}It is. Yeah, I love that Spandau Ballet song Yellow. 377 00:17:56,520 --> 00:17:58,080 {\an2}Yes. 378 00:17:58,120 --> 00:18:00,520 {\an2}Yes, and the Coldplay song Gold. Yes. 379 00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:05,280 {\an2}I mean, also people have argued that a bowl can be a plate. 380 00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:07,640 {\an2}They're both tableware. I've been at those arguments. 381 00:18:09,240 --> 00:18:13,240 {\an2}If I go to a shop and I get a plate of soup, will that be fine? 382 00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:16,040 {\an2}I think some restaurants, they serve it on plates. 383 00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:18,200 {\an2}They don't serve soup on plates! 384 00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:20,400 {\an2}Look, you fuck knuckle... 385 00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:30,880 {\an2}You can't dictate the exact size of a plate. 386 00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:35,120 {\an2}It's cultural. And are you actually in some kind of act of imperialism? 387 00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:37,520 {\an2}Which is what this has become? 388 00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:38,720 {\an2}He's going to do this quite a lot. 389 00:18:38,760 --> 00:18:40,160 {\an2}Dictating heights of plates? 390 00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:42,560 {\an2}You're on very thin ice, Greg. 391 00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:43,680 {\an2}I can tell you he was quick. 392 00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:44,720 {\an2}Two minutes 22. 393 00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:45,840 {\an2}Of course he was quick! 394 00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:48,280 {\an2}Anyone can be quick if they just get an apple and toss it in a bowl. 395 00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:51,560 {\an2}There is one more person still to see. 396 00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:52,920 {\an2}I think I've already made my judgement, 397 00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:54,480 {\an2}but let's have a look at Matt's attempt. 398 00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:56,000 {\an2}Here we go. 399 00:18:56,040 --> 00:18:58,520 {\an2}Uh... It's a golden plate and a golden apple. 400 00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:00,920 {\an2}Well, I can't... Uh... 401 00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:04,360 {\an2}Oh, there's a golden plate. Oh, that's something. 402 00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:07,680 {\an2}OK. Golden apple, golden apple. 403 00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:09,120 {\an2}Golden apple. 404 00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:15,600 {\an2}Oh! 405 00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:17,200 {\an2}And what's it got to do? Oh. 406 00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:25,960 {\an2}How is it..? How did that happen? 407 00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:29,000 {\an2}Lucas has smashed it out of the park. 408 00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:30,120 {\an2}How are you feeling? 409 00:19:30,160 --> 00:19:32,840 {\an2}I'm thinking that's probably the best I did in the whole series. 410 00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:38,960 {\an2}Matt found the apple in one minute 37- sub 100 seconds. 411 00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:40,040 {\an2}Yeah. It's quick. 412 00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:45,240 {\an2}Slowest was Isy, then Chloe, then Nina, 413 00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:46,800 {\an2}then Richard, then Matt. 414 00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:49,200 {\an2}Yes. But is that how the points fall? 415 00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:52,080 {\an2}Of course not. Is a golden 416 00:19:52,120 --> 00:19:54,880 {\an2}plate a silver bowl with coffee pods? 417 00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:58,480 {\an2}No. Is a golden plate, a yellow bowl? 418 00:19:58,520 --> 00:19:59,520 {\an2}Yes. No. 419 00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:02,200 {\an2}So no points to Isy or Richard? 420 00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:03,880 {\an2}Correct. It's time I got tougher. 421 00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:05,080 {\an2}People have been saying on the internet 422 00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:08,120 {\an2}that I'm getting softer and I'm going to toughen up. 423 00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:11,680 {\an2}Daddy...daddy... Daddy's back! Daddy's back! 424 00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:13,680 {\an2}Finally Daddy's back! Daddy's back! 425 00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:16,160 {\an2}Which means three to Chloe, four to Nina, 426 00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:17,840 {\an2}but five to Matt Lucas! Hey! 427 00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:22,280 {\an2}Shall we have a scoreboard now? We should. 428 00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:25,640 {\an2}At the top, we have Matt and Nina with eight points. 429 00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:27,760 {\an2}There we go. 430 00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:30,920 {\an2}More tasking, please. Yes. 431 00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:35,040 {\an2}And I think it's bed-time to meet the teams. 432 00:20:46,360 --> 00:20:47,920 {\an1}KNOCKING 433 00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:51,040 {\an2}Who is it? It's TV's Matt Lucas. 434 00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:52,760 {\an2}You best come in. 435 00:20:52,800 --> 00:20:55,040 {\an2}Hi. It really is TV's Matt Lucas. Yeah. 436 00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:56,120 {\an2}Do you want to touch me? 437 00:20:58,880 --> 00:21:00,840 {\an2}Look at this. Well, you're welcome to get in. 438 00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:01,960 {\an2}Should I? 439 00:21:03,360 --> 00:21:07,240 {\an2}Hey! How are you? I'm so good! How are you? 440 00:21:07,280 --> 00:21:09,920 {\an2}Very well, thank you. Nice to see you. 441 00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:12,640 {\an2}Not thrilled with the mattress, 442 00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:14,680 {\an2}but I don't think I'm spending the night here. 443 00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:18,960 {\an2}Hey, hello! Hello! Nice to see you. You, too. 444 00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:22,920 {\an2}MATT: Did you know I was coming? I had no idea. 445 00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:25,880 {\an2}Oh. Hi. Hello. 446 00:21:25,920 --> 00:21:27,440 {\an2}Hey! 447 00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:29,160 {\an2}What happened to you 448 00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:32,440 {\an2}that you've been so brutalised that you'd just get into a bed? 449 00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:34,160 {\an2}Well... Have you been asked to get into it? 450 00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:35,560 {\an2}Yeah, well, it was suggested. 451 00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:38,160 {\an2}Were you given the option? Oh, suggested, isn't it? Yes. 452 00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:41,680 {\an2}Move this bed into the living room. 453 00:21:41,720 --> 00:21:43,920 {\an2}You may not look at each other. 454 00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:46,400 {\an2}Well, fine. I mean, that... 455 00:21:46,440 --> 00:21:48,080 {\an2}Richard hasn't done that already. 456 00:21:48,120 --> 00:21:50,640 {\an2}And you may only say words with one syllable. 457 00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:56,040 {\an2}For every stray glance, scuff mark or extra syllable, 458 00:21:56,080 --> 00:21:59,560 {\an2}a minute will be added to your time. Oh. 459 00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:02,680 {\an2}Stray glance is wonderful writing. Thank you. 460 00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:07,560 {\an2}Fastest fully made bed in the living room wins. 461 00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:10,120 {\an2}Your time starts on the whistle. 462 00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:12,600 {\an2}Shall we discuss this before the task starts? 463 00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:15,960 {\an2}No. No. No, please. All right. OK. 464 00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:17,360 {\an2}Absolute fascist regime. 465 00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:25,760 {\an2}Well, it looked like two relatively fun sleepovers - 466 00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:28,480 {\an2}one of them being ruined by the weird kid from school. 467 00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:32,440 {\an2}OK, we're going to begin with the team of two. 468 00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:35,920 {\an2}Remember, no eye contact, no scuffs, one-syllable words. 469 00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:37,840 {\an2}It is Isy and Nina. Here we go. 470 00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:40,760 {\an2}Speed. Ted. 471 00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:49,640 {\an2}Stack. Stay. 472 00:22:49,680 --> 00:22:51,840 {\an2}Win. Win! 473 00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:52,880 {\an2}So... 474 00:22:57,080 --> 00:22:58,080 {\an2}Oh. 475 00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:00,560 {\an2}OK. 476 00:23:00,600 --> 00:23:01,600 {\an1}Try? 477 00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:05,520 {\an2}Tool? Tool. 478 00:23:05,560 --> 00:23:06,560 {\an2}Box there. 479 00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:09,920 {\an2}Tool. 480 00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:11,000 {\an2}There. 481 00:23:11,040 --> 00:23:12,320 {\an2}Mm. 482 00:23:12,360 --> 00:23:13,360 {\an2}Leg off. 483 00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:19,360 {\an2}Good. Good. No good. Argh! 484 00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:22,280 {\an2}Piss one, this one. 485 00:23:24,360 --> 00:23:27,280 {\an2}At start me think we win. 486 00:23:27,320 --> 00:23:29,120 {\an2}Me, too. 487 00:23:29,160 --> 00:23:31,240 {\an2}Long time past. 488 00:23:31,280 --> 00:23:32,640 {\an2}New low. 489 00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:37,320 {\an2}It's off, it's off, it's off! 490 00:23:37,360 --> 00:23:39,240 {\an2}Headboard off. 491 00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:41,560 {\an2}This off all OK. 492 00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:42,880 {\an2}OK, OK. 493 00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:47,920 {\an2}A minute for any scuff marks, remember? 494 00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:49,160 {\an2}Good, good. 495 00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:50,360 {\an2}Oh... 496 00:23:50,400 --> 00:23:53,160 {\an2}Scuff not, scuff not we. 497 00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:54,400 {\an2}Now OK. 498 00:23:56,880 --> 00:23:57,880 {\an2}Tis good. 499 00:23:58,960 --> 00:24:00,560 {\an2}Tiny scuff. 500 00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:06,360 {\an2}Oh, flip. Watch out, cam guy. 501 00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:10,360 {\an2}This go in hole. 502 00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:13,360 {\an2}Is eyes closed? Yes. 503 00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:14,680 {\an2}Why so? 504 00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:18,320 {\an2}I no want look you. I see. 505 00:24:18,360 --> 00:24:20,240 {\an2}Your eyes o... 506 00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:21,280 {\an2}Pen. 507 00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:22,720 {\an2}Yes. It helps. 508 00:24:26,280 --> 00:24:30,360 {\an2}She no like tool, this small hole. She tight one. 509 00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:32,360 {\an2}She virgin, this one. 510 00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:34,280 {\an2}Oh, no, I make joke. 511 00:24:34,320 --> 00:24:36,400 {\an2}I blow word. Too long word. 512 00:24:38,840 --> 00:24:41,480 {\an2}It is good. Tis good, this bed. 513 00:24:41,520 --> 00:24:43,720 {\an2}We win! 514 00:24:43,760 --> 00:24:44,960 {\an2}Stop the clock. Stopped the clock. 515 00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:46,280 {\an2}OK, there we go. 516 00:24:46,320 --> 00:24:47,400 {\an2}Ooh. 517 00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:48,840 {\an8}Bring these cameras up 518 00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:50,560 {\an8}for nice shot on top, 519 00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:52,840 {\an8}not under chin and up nose. Yeah. 520 00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:54,880 {\an1}LAUGHTER 521 00:24:54,920 --> 00:24:56,920 {\an1}APPLAUSE 522 00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:02,960 {\an2}Well done. I'm beginning to feel that you've never spoken 523 00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:05,000 {\an2}in more than one syllable in your life, 524 00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:06,280 {\an2}after a while. 525 00:25:06,320 --> 00:25:08,280 {\an2}It was Shakespearean. 526 00:25:08,320 --> 00:25:09,880 {\an2}Yeah, they said at one point, 527 00:25:09,920 --> 00:25:12,320 {\an2}"If we live this for long time, it makes nice life." 528 00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:17,360 {\an2}I could... I could happily live with you 529 00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:18,840 {\an2}and talk like that for the rest of my life. 530 00:25:18,880 --> 00:25:20,760 {\an2}Yes. Aw! 531 00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:25,000 {\an2}One of you said, "At start, I think we win." 532 00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:27,720 {\an2}And then Nina said, "Me too. New low." 533 00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:32,800 {\an2}Part two is complete. 534 00:25:32,840 --> 00:25:33,840 {\an2}Get out of here! 535 00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:45,960 {\an2}Welcome back. It's part three 536 00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:48,400 {\an2}and the teams are busy moving furniture. 537 00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:51,320 {\an2}Yes. Greg wanted his bed moved into the living room. 538 00:25:51,360 --> 00:25:53,440 {\an2}I guess it's probably an age thing. 539 00:25:53,480 --> 00:25:56,040 {\an2}One team to go. 540 00:25:56,080 --> 00:25:58,560 {\an2}It is Richard with Matt and Chloe. 541 00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:04,880 {\an2}Shall we tip the bed up on its side? Yes. 542 00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:12,720 {\an2}Shame. That's a shame. 543 00:26:12,760 --> 00:26:13,760 {\an2}Tool box. 544 00:26:15,680 --> 00:26:17,280 {\an2}Two words. 545 00:26:17,320 --> 00:26:18,320 {\an2}Ah-ha. 546 00:26:18,360 --> 00:26:19,360 {\an1}Al. 547 00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:20,400 {\an1}An. 548 00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:21,440 {\an2}Key. 549 00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:25,000 {\an2}Two Al key. Cheers. 550 00:26:28,280 --> 00:26:29,280 {\an2}OK. 551 00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:37,080 {\an2}Run, Matt. I will. 552 00:26:37,120 --> 00:26:39,400 {\an2}Which room? Liv. 553 00:26:39,440 --> 00:26:41,640 {\an2}How do we do this? 554 00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:42,680 {\an2}To me. 555 00:26:43,680 --> 00:26:46,320 {\an2}Put to you. Good. 556 00:26:46,360 --> 00:26:47,840 {\an2}Comme ca. 557 00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:49,640 {\an2}Oh. Comme ca. 558 00:26:49,680 --> 00:26:51,200 {\an2}Can I help? 559 00:26:51,240 --> 00:26:52,760 {\an2}Yes. How? 560 00:26:54,160 --> 00:26:56,120 {\an1}BLOWS RASPBERRY 561 00:26:56,160 --> 00:26:57,560 {\an2}Uh, I don't know. 562 00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:00,200 {\an2}I think Chloe is making more of 563 00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:02,360 {\an2}an effort than you not to look at each other, Richard. 564 00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:08,360 {\an2}I think look means eyes. 565 00:27:09,560 --> 00:27:13,640 {\an2}If I look at leg - not look. 566 00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:15,880 {\an2}Really? Yes. 567 00:27:15,920 --> 00:27:19,000 {\an2}Eyes mean look, 568 00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:20,920 {\an2}not body part. 569 00:27:24,120 --> 00:27:25,120 {\an2}Matt? 570 00:27:25,160 --> 00:27:27,160 {\an2}Yes? Ress. 571 00:27:27,200 --> 00:27:30,440 {\an2}Ah, I see. I see. 572 00:27:30,480 --> 00:27:32,400 {\an2}Argh! 573 00:27:32,440 --> 00:27:33,480 {\an2}Good work. 574 00:27:35,680 --> 00:27:38,760 {\an2}Can I say, I like to not look at you? 575 00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:40,440 {\an2}Me, too. 576 00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:41,720 {\an2}Cute. 577 00:27:41,760 --> 00:27:42,800 {\an2}Stop the clock. 578 00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:49,760 {\an2}Stop the clock. 579 00:27:49,800 --> 00:27:51,680 {\an2}Bloody ruined it! 580 00:27:51,720 --> 00:27:53,120 {\an2}Well done. Well done. 581 00:27:53,160 --> 00:27:54,960 {\an2}Richard, you really carried the team there, 582 00:27:55,000 --> 00:27:57,560 {\an2}as expected. Thank you. Where do we go to? 583 00:28:09,320 --> 00:28:10,800 {\an2}Who would have thought you had 584 00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:13,640 {\an2}that sort of action hero skill within you? 585 00:28:13,680 --> 00:28:14,920 {\an2}But... I'm a physical guy. 586 00:28:16,520 --> 00:28:18,280 {\an2}I know they're not my team, 587 00:28:18,320 --> 00:28:24,440 {\an2}but Matt Ress was amazing and shouldn't be penalised. 588 00:28:24,480 --> 00:28:25,920 {\an2}Thank you. I have penalised them for that 589 00:28:25,960 --> 00:28:27,960 {\an2}because you just put a big pause in the word mattress. 590 00:28:28,000 --> 00:28:31,760 {\an2}No, no, no, you're wrong, OK? 591 00:28:31,800 --> 00:28:33,440 {\an2}This is what we want. Go on, Matt! 592 00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:35,600 {\an2}This is what we want. YOU'RE wrong, OK? 593 00:28:35,640 --> 00:28:38,440 {\an2}Chloe was saying, "Matt," to mean me, 594 00:28:38,480 --> 00:28:40,600 {\an2}and then using only the second 595 00:28:40,640 --> 00:28:44,080 {\an2}syllable of the word mattress to denote a mattress. 596 00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:46,120 {\an2}One was a proper noun, one was a contraction. 597 00:28:46,160 --> 00:28:47,280 {\an2}And you know that, Alex. 598 00:28:48,520 --> 00:28:49,560 {\an2}I'm happy to 599 00:28:49,600 --> 00:28:52,000 {\an2}strike one extra syllable from the list. 600 00:28:52,040 --> 00:28:54,960 {\an2}They took 12 minutes. They made nine mistakes. 601 00:28:55,000 --> 00:28:57,840 {\an2}So that's a total of 21 minutes. I'm happy with that. 602 00:28:57,880 --> 00:28:59,920 {\an2}Whereas the team of two - and it's close - 603 00:28:59,960 --> 00:29:04,600 {\an2}they took 33 minutes and 29 seconds and made 33 mistakes. 604 00:29:04,640 --> 00:29:07,760 {\an2}So they took one hour, six minutes and 29 seconds. 605 00:29:07,800 --> 00:29:08,800 {\an2}Wow! 606 00:29:12,920 --> 00:29:14,520 {\an2}The team of three obviously get five points, 607 00:29:14,560 --> 00:29:16,920 {\an2}but how many do Isy and Nina get? 608 00:29:16,960 --> 00:29:19,560 {\an2}The gap's so big I'm inclined towards one point, 609 00:29:19,600 --> 00:29:22,040 {\an2}but do you want to talk me up to two somehow? 610 00:29:22,080 --> 00:29:23,080 {\an2}Yeah. Go on, then. 611 00:29:25,360 --> 00:29:27,440 {\an2}We were very friendly. 612 00:29:27,480 --> 00:29:28,920 {\an2}Go on. 613 00:29:28,960 --> 00:29:30,600 {\an2}She nearly injured a member of the production team. 614 00:29:30,640 --> 00:29:32,080 {\an2}And she said, "Cam man soz." 615 00:29:33,800 --> 00:29:36,440 {\an2}Cam man soz alone gets them two points, doesn't it? 616 00:29:36,480 --> 00:29:38,160 {\an2}OK, so it's five points for team of three, 617 00:29:38,200 --> 00:29:39,320 {\an2}two points for the team of two. 618 00:29:42,280 --> 00:29:43,480 {\an2}Next task, please. 619 00:29:43,520 --> 00:29:47,000 {\an2}And do you know what? It's another, sort of, team task. 620 00:29:47,040 --> 00:29:48,600 {\an2}What? I know. 621 00:29:48,640 --> 00:29:50,080 {\an2}This show's like Tilda Swinton. 622 00:29:50,120 --> 00:29:51,920 {\an2}It's really intriguing and interesting. 623 00:30:05,200 --> 00:30:06,200 {\an2}Hi, Isy. Oh, hi. 624 00:30:06,240 --> 00:30:08,800 {\an2}Just to warn you, for this one, you're very much under pressure. 625 00:30:08,840 --> 00:30:09,880 {\an2}OK. 626 00:30:11,080 --> 00:30:13,800 {\an2}I don't know why I said that really sarcastically. 627 00:30:13,840 --> 00:30:16,480 {\an2}Chloe. Hi, Alex. You are the one I want. 628 00:30:16,520 --> 00:30:17,520 {\an2}Oh! 629 00:30:17,560 --> 00:30:18,560 {\an2}Richard! 630 00:30:18,600 --> 00:30:20,280 {\an2}Nothing's gonna stop us now. 631 00:30:20,320 --> 00:30:21,480 {\an2}Nothing? Nothing. 632 00:30:22,880 --> 00:30:24,440 {\an2}Will we build the bridge together? 633 00:30:26,880 --> 00:30:28,880 {\an2}This is snazzy indeed. 634 00:30:28,920 --> 00:30:30,080 {\an2}Richard. 635 00:30:30,120 --> 00:30:31,920 {\an2}And Richard. The last time something on this scale 636 00:30:31,960 --> 00:30:33,880 {\an2}was attempted was probably The Lady From Shanghai. 637 00:30:33,920 --> 00:30:35,400 {\an2}Orson Welles. 638 00:30:35,440 --> 00:30:37,840 {\an2}Perform a passionate duet with yourself. 639 00:30:37,880 --> 00:30:41,480 {\an2}About yourselves. You must sing both parts. 640 00:30:41,520 --> 00:30:43,320 {\an2}Best duet wins. 641 00:30:43,360 --> 00:30:46,800 {\an2}Passionate? Yeah. OK. 642 00:30:46,840 --> 00:30:48,840 {\an2}You have 20 minutes? 643 00:30:48,880 --> 00:30:50,640 {\an2}I've got to sing for 20 minutes? 644 00:30:50,680 --> 00:30:52,520 {\an2}No, you've got to write the song. 645 00:30:52,560 --> 00:30:54,640 {\an2}And then perform... And perform it within 20 minutes. 646 00:30:54,680 --> 00:30:57,040 {\an2}Your time starts now. OK. 647 00:30:57,080 --> 00:30:58,120 {\an2}There's no writing. 648 00:30:58,160 --> 00:31:00,320 {\an2}There's no writing? There will be no writing. 649 00:31:00,360 --> 00:31:03,480 {\an2}I don't like overthinking things. Are you musical? 650 00:31:03,520 --> 00:31:05,960 {\an2}I was in a Christian rock band in my youth, 651 00:31:06,000 --> 00:31:09,440 {\an2}but that was because I wasn't musically talented enough 652 00:31:09,480 --> 00:31:10,480 {\an2}to be in a mainstream band. 653 00:31:10,520 --> 00:31:13,280 {\an2}So I had to go and beg the Christians to let me be in theirs. 654 00:31:13,320 --> 00:31:15,600 {\an2}Can I use instruments? Yeah! OMG! 655 00:31:16,680 --> 00:31:17,920 {\an2}PLAYS DEMO Stop it! 656 00:31:19,920 --> 00:31:20,920 {\an2}DING! Oh! 657 00:31:20,960 --> 00:31:22,960 {\an1}PLAYS GUITAR 658 00:31:24,720 --> 00:31:26,680 {\an2}Shall I leave you to it? No. 659 00:31:26,720 --> 00:31:28,480 {\an2}OK. Just stay. 660 00:31:28,520 --> 00:31:30,520 {\an1}PLAYS TWO-NOTE CHORDS 661 00:31:39,880 --> 00:31:41,720 {\an2}I got the impression that faith isn't 662 00:31:41,760 --> 00:31:43,280 {\an2}at the heart of your songwriting. 663 00:31:43,320 --> 00:31:47,120 {\an2}You just joined the Christian band because they're worse musicians? 664 00:31:47,160 --> 00:31:48,960 {\an2}Yeah, they were so shit, Greg. 665 00:31:50,120 --> 00:31:52,400 {\an2}They were so bad. We played 666 00:31:52,440 --> 00:31:54,280 {\an2}a version of music which was called Christian Rock. 667 00:31:54,320 --> 00:31:57,680 {\an2}I came up with a hand gesture that our fans could do at our gigs. 668 00:31:57,720 --> 00:32:01,240 {\an2}You just do the rock sign like that - very simple rock sign. 669 00:32:01,280 --> 00:32:03,200 {\an2}And then you just pop Jesus on the cross there. 670 00:32:05,880 --> 00:32:07,600 {\an2}Lovely. 671 00:32:07,640 --> 00:32:10,200 {\an2}Lovely. His suffering was not in vain. 672 00:32:11,920 --> 00:32:13,200 {\an2}I'm sorry, Christians. 673 00:32:14,240 --> 00:32:16,600 {\an1}LAUGHTER 674 00:32:16,640 --> 00:32:17,920 {\an2}Let's go. Right, we're going 675 00:32:17,960 --> 00:32:19,960 {\an2}to start with a classic rock profile. 676 00:32:20,000 --> 00:32:21,960 {\an2}It is Matt and Matt. 677 00:32:26,440 --> 00:32:27,680 {\an2} 678 00:32:27,720 --> 00:32:31,280 {\an2} Me and me 679 00:32:31,320 --> 00:32:36,720 {\an2} day that I was born 680 00:32:38,280 --> 00:32:40,240 {\an2} 681 00:32:41,360 --> 00:32:42,840 {\an2} 682 00:32:42,880 --> 00:32:44,200 {\an1}HORN PARPS 683 00:32:44,240 --> 00:32:47,000 {\an2} myself 684 00:32:47,040 --> 00:32:48,480 {\an2} 685 00:32:48,520 --> 00:32:50,160 {\an2} 686 00:32:50,200 --> 00:32:51,560 {\an2} 687 00:32:51,600 --> 00:32:53,480 {\an2} 688 00:32:53,520 --> 00:32:54,600 {\an2} 689 00:32:54,640 --> 00:32:56,440 {\an2} 690 00:32:56,480 --> 00:32:57,480 {\an2} 691 00:32:57,520 --> 00:32:58,680 {\an2} 692 00:32:58,720 --> 00:32:59,720 {\an2} 693 00:32:59,760 --> 00:33:01,000 {\an2} 694 00:33:01,040 --> 00:33:02,040 {\an2} 695 00:33:02,080 --> 00:33:03,080 {\an2} 696 00:33:03,120 --> 00:33:06,080 {\an2} 697 00:33:06,120 --> 00:33:08,080 {\an2} 698 00:33:08,120 --> 00:33:09,240 {\an2}It's true. 699 00:33:09,280 --> 00:33:12,200 {\an2} it 700 00:33:13,560 --> 00:33:15,240 {\an2} 701 00:33:15,280 --> 00:33:16,720 {\an2}Sorry, Mum. 702 00:33:22,800 --> 00:33:26,160 {\an2}Very good. Fairly life-affirming song initially. 703 00:33:26,200 --> 00:33:28,720 {\an2}Lovely harmonies, made me feel good. 704 00:33:28,760 --> 00:33:31,000 {\an2}It was a man talking himself up. 705 00:33:31,040 --> 00:33:32,880 {\an2}And then suddenly you're bagging yourself. 706 00:33:32,920 --> 00:33:35,800 {\an2}Yeah. Yeah. It's a song about self-love. 707 00:33:35,840 --> 00:33:38,040 {\an2}Yeah. Yeah. It's the power of words, isn't it? 708 00:33:38,080 --> 00:33:41,120 {\an2}I certainly can't shift the image of Matt having sex with himself. 709 00:33:41,160 --> 00:33:43,560 {\an2}Can you? No. What are you imagining? 710 00:33:43,600 --> 00:33:45,680 {\an2}Well, I like the... Oh, is he on top? 711 00:33:46,800 --> 00:33:47,840 {\an2}He's everywhere. 712 00:33:47,880 --> 00:33:49,800 {\an2}He's all over the place, isn't he? 713 00:33:49,840 --> 00:33:51,000 {\an2}Now for another duo. 714 00:33:51,040 --> 00:33:54,480 {\an2}Move over, Sooty and Sweep. It is Suttie and Suttie. 715 00:33:56,680 --> 00:33:57,680 {\an3}Who is Isy? 716 00:33:57,720 --> 00:33:58,720 {\an2}Who is Isy? 717 00:33:58,760 --> 00:34:00,600 {\an2}Let's see. 718 00:34:00,640 --> 00:34:01,640 {\an2}Hot. 719 00:34:01,680 --> 00:34:02,680 {\an2}Cold. 720 00:34:02,720 --> 00:34:03,720 {\an2}Shy. 721 00:34:03,760 --> 00:34:04,760 {\an2}Bold. 722 00:34:04,800 --> 00:34:08,400 {\an2} but we're both the same. 723 00:34:08,440 --> 00:34:09,440 {\an3}Fast. 724 00:34:09,480 --> 00:34:10,480 {\an2}Slow. 725 00:34:10,520 --> 00:34:11,520 {\an3}Suck. 726 00:34:11,560 --> 00:34:12,560 {\an2}Blow. 727 00:34:12,600 --> 00:34:15,800 {\an2} and we both feel pain 728 00:34:15,840 --> 00:34:19,400 {\an2} in the maze of life? 729 00:34:19,440 --> 00:34:23,400 {\an2} And also have the strife. 730 00:34:23,440 --> 00:34:24,440 {\an3}Stiletto. 731 00:34:24,480 --> 00:34:25,480 {\an1}Welly. 732 00:34:25,520 --> 00:34:26,520 {\an2}Reading. 733 00:34:26,560 --> 00:34:27,560 {\an1}Telly. 734 00:34:27,600 --> 00:34:31,320 {\an2} human. 735 00:34:31,360 --> 00:34:32,360 {\an2}Noodles. 736 00:34:32,400 --> 00:34:33,400 {\an2}Rice. 737 00:34:33,440 --> 00:34:34,440 {\an2}Bland. 738 00:34:34,480 --> 00:34:35,480 {\an1}Spice. 739 00:34:35,520 --> 00:34:39,080 {\an2} Like cumin 740 00:34:39,120 --> 00:34:42,560 {\an2} in the maze of life? 741 00:34:42,600 --> 00:34:46,480 {\an2} and also have the strife 742 00:34:46,520 --> 00:34:49,720 {\an2} in the maze of life? 743 00:34:49,760 --> 00:34:50,760 {\an2}Say yes. 744 00:34:50,800 --> 00:34:51,800 {\an1}Say yes. 745 00:34:51,840 --> 00:34:52,840 {\an2}Say yes! 746 00:34:57,800 --> 00:35:00,520 {\an2}Lovely. You seemed quite angry 747 00:35:00,560 --> 00:35:02,840 {\an2}about people joining you in the maze of life. 748 00:35:02,880 --> 00:35:04,280 {\an2}It was more satisfying to go, 749 00:35:04,320 --> 00:35:07,320 {\an2}"Would you like to join me in the maze of life?" 750 00:35:13,200 --> 00:35:15,400 {\an2}There's only one character I didn't like 751 00:35:15,440 --> 00:35:17,440 {\an2}of the various aspects of Isy. 752 00:35:17,480 --> 00:35:18,600 {\an2}And it was this one - 753 00:35:18,640 --> 00:35:20,560 {\an2}"Telly." I didn't like her. 754 00:35:20,600 --> 00:35:22,000 {\an2}I didn't like her. 755 00:35:22,040 --> 00:35:23,040 {\an2}Telly! 756 00:35:23,080 --> 00:35:24,920 {\an2}"I'm just so down to earth." 757 00:35:24,960 --> 00:35:27,120 {\an2}Oh, no, it's meant to be kind of disparaging. 758 00:35:27,160 --> 00:35:29,920 {\an2}Like, "Telly! I should be reading a book." 759 00:35:29,960 --> 00:35:32,000 {\an2}Yeah. Oh, I thought you were saying, 760 00:35:32,040 --> 00:35:34,560 {\an2}"I'm just so casual, I'll just watch telly." 761 00:35:36,120 --> 00:35:39,520 {\an2}OK, it's now time for Ayoade on Ayoade. 762 00:35:39,560 --> 00:35:44,480 {\an2}Can he sing? Well, let's listen and judge Richard. 763 00:35:50,560 --> 00:35:53,440 {\an2} 764 00:35:54,880 --> 00:35:57,040 {\an2} 765 00:35:58,080 --> 00:36:01,480 {\an2} 766 00:36:01,520 --> 00:36:05,440 {\an2} passengers at risk 767 00:36:05,480 --> 00:36:08,520 {\an2} thighs 768 00:36:09,600 --> 00:36:11,960 {\an2} 769 00:36:13,760 --> 00:36:17,360 {\an2} 770 00:36:17,400 --> 00:36:19,000 {\an2} 771 00:36:21,080 --> 00:36:23,280 {\an2} 772 00:36:24,560 --> 00:36:28,360 {\an2} It's unacceptable 773 00:36:28,400 --> 00:36:31,720 {\an2} Cos I refused to train 774 00:36:31,760 --> 00:36:33,400 {\an2} thighs 775 00:36:33,440 --> 00:36:36,600 {\an2} It's unacceptable 776 00:36:36,640 --> 00:36:38,600 {\an2} 777 00:36:38,640 --> 00:36:40,160 {\an2} 778 00:36:46,320 --> 00:36:47,720 {\an2} 779 00:36:48,920 --> 00:36:50,920 {\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 780 00:36:55,560 --> 00:36:56,760 {\an2}I guess what I want to know is, 781 00:36:56,800 --> 00:37:02,000 {\an2}who is the smelly-thighed man, and why are his thighs smelly? 782 00:37:02,040 --> 00:37:03,880 {\an2}I don't patronise the listener... 783 00:37:03,920 --> 00:37:05,640 {\an1}LAUGHTER 784 00:37:05,680 --> 00:37:07,840 {\an2}..by telling them what the song is about. 785 00:37:07,880 --> 00:37:09,200 {\an2}They go on their own journey. 786 00:37:09,240 --> 00:37:10,520 {\an2}Well, at one point one of them said 787 00:37:10,560 --> 00:37:12,680 {\an2}they've got to wipe the grease from their thighs. 788 00:37:12,720 --> 00:37:15,120 {\an2}Yeah. They've been frying bacon on their thighs. 789 00:37:15,160 --> 00:37:18,280 {\an2}Ah, well that helps. And the songwriter reveals the magic. 790 00:37:18,320 --> 00:37:20,640 {\an2}It's one of the possible interpretations. 791 00:37:22,200 --> 00:37:23,880 {\an2}That's the end of part three. 792 00:37:23,920 --> 00:37:25,720 {\an2}Who will kick off their series 793 00:37:25,760 --> 00:37:29,640 {\an2}by winning the first episode and taking home a droopy arse, 794 00:37:29,680 --> 00:37:31,600 {\an2}a dead plant, a flaccid dog 795 00:37:31,640 --> 00:37:33,600 {\an2}and realise that their agents were wrong - 796 00:37:33,640 --> 00:37:35,240 {\an2}this might harm their careers? 797 00:37:44,400 --> 00:37:46,520 {\an2}Here we are again, and we're in the midst 798 00:37:46,560 --> 00:37:49,080 {\an2}of a sort of festival of identical twins. 799 00:37:49,120 --> 00:37:50,840 {\an2}That's right, featuring Bros, 800 00:37:50,880 --> 00:37:54,520 {\an2}The Proclaimers, Jedward, and now it's Petts at Home. 801 00:37:55,920 --> 00:38:00,200 {\an2}This is, I'm Gonna Be Beautiful (To Myself) 802 00:38:52,520 --> 00:38:54,520 {\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 803 00:38:58,440 --> 00:39:00,240 {\an2}Genuinely rather lovely, Chloe. 804 00:39:00,280 --> 00:39:02,120 {\an2}I'm trying to kind of look at myself and go like, 805 00:39:02,160 --> 00:39:03,320 {\an2}"What a lovely, beautiful song." 806 00:39:03,360 --> 00:39:05,520 {\an2}But then there's another part of me which is like, 807 00:39:05,560 --> 00:39:07,440 {\an2}"Why didn't you make it funny and fuck yourself at the end?" 808 00:39:07,480 --> 00:39:09,480 {\an2}LAUGHTER Yeah, yeah. 809 00:39:11,480 --> 00:39:14,560 {\an2}Just to let you know - left, top, right, bottom. 810 00:39:14,600 --> 00:39:16,840 {\an1}LAUGHTER 811 00:39:16,880 --> 00:39:20,440 {\an2}Oh. Suddenly it's slightly less beautiful somehow. 812 00:39:21,960 --> 00:39:24,760 {\an2}Finally, then, will she sound like an ambulance? 813 00:39:24,800 --> 00:39:28,400 {\an2}Let's find out. It's Nina-Nina. Oh... 814 00:39:28,440 --> 00:39:30,760 {\an2}I like that. Here we go. 815 00:39:30,800 --> 00:39:33,600 {\an1}PLAYS CHORD 816 00:39:33,640 --> 00:39:37,200 {\an2} Cos you're my best friend 817 00:39:37,240 --> 00:39:38,680 {\an2} Love you 818 00:39:38,720 --> 00:39:42,640 {\an2} time now 819 00:39:42,680 --> 00:39:45,080 {\an2} 820 00:39:45,120 --> 00:39:48,480 {\an2} level 821 00:39:48,520 --> 00:39:49,560 {\an2} 822 00:39:49,600 --> 00:39:51,200 {\an2} 823 00:39:51,240 --> 00:39:52,880 {\an2} 824 00:39:54,920 --> 00:39:56,840 {\an2} 825 00:39:56,880 --> 00:39:59,920 {\an2} baby, yeah 826 00:39:59,960 --> 00:40:02,600 {\an2} 827 00:40:02,640 --> 00:40:06,000 {\an2} 828 00:40:06,040 --> 00:40:08,080 {\an2} 829 00:40:08,120 --> 00:40:10,280 {\an2} 830 00:40:10,320 --> 00:40:12,280 {\an2} 831 00:40:12,320 --> 00:40:14,560 {\an2} 832 00:40:14,600 --> 00:40:16,560 {\an2} 833 00:40:16,600 --> 00:40:18,800 {\an2} 834 00:40:18,840 --> 00:40:22,000 {\an2} 835 00:40:22,040 --> 00:40:28,280 {\an2} the song of the Taskmaster song 836 00:40:28,320 --> 00:40:29,800 {\an2} 837 00:40:29,840 --> 00:40:34,480 {\an2} 838 00:40:38,400 --> 00:40:40,400 {\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 839 00:40:45,360 --> 00:40:46,480 {\an2}Do you know that feeling, 840 00:40:46,520 --> 00:40:48,960 {\an2}when you've had a bad tummy for a while 841 00:40:49,000 --> 00:40:51,240 {\an2}and you think you're better, 842 00:40:51,280 --> 00:40:53,560 {\an2}but you're not 100% sure? 843 00:40:53,600 --> 00:40:57,440 {\an2}That's the style. I think Nina sang this whole song in. 844 00:40:57,480 --> 00:40:59,240 {\an2}That's the genre. That's the genre of music. 845 00:40:59,280 --> 00:41:00,480 {\an2}I just felt all the way through, 846 00:41:00,520 --> 00:41:02,640 {\an2}she was like, "Take your boots off." 847 00:41:05,760 --> 00:41:07,480 {\an2}What was going on there, do you think, Nina? 848 00:41:07,520 --> 00:41:09,680 {\an2}Well, in my mind, there's a river. 849 00:41:09,720 --> 00:41:11,640 {\an2}Is...is there a river in the song? 850 00:41:15,600 --> 00:41:18,160 {\an2}There doesn't need to be. There doesn't need to be a river. 851 00:41:18,200 --> 00:41:20,600 {\an2}It happened by the river in my mind. Ah! 852 00:41:25,640 --> 00:41:28,840 {\an2}I enjoyed all of the songs. I'm not giving anyone one point. 853 00:41:28,880 --> 00:41:31,720 {\an2}Right. I'm going to give Richard two points. 854 00:41:31,760 --> 00:41:35,920 {\an2}OK. I very much enjoyed it, but I felt there was a lack of passion. 855 00:41:35,960 --> 00:41:37,000 {\an2}Shows like this 856 00:41:37,040 --> 00:41:38,920 {\an2}are why I hide my feelings in the first place. 857 00:41:41,320 --> 00:41:43,360 {\an2}Matt three, because I felt that there 858 00:41:43,400 --> 00:41:45,560 {\an2}was a fairly passionless sex going on between... 859 00:41:45,600 --> 00:41:47,680 {\an2}How dare you?! I did a proper 860 00:41:47,720 --> 00:41:49,280 {\an2}thrusting at the end of that. 861 00:41:50,680 --> 00:41:52,760 {\an2}I mean, we should go and have sex now... 862 00:41:53,880 --> 00:41:55,760 {\an2}..and then you'll see how passionate I am, 863 00:41:55,800 --> 00:41:57,400 {\an2}and then you'll give me more points. 864 00:41:57,440 --> 00:42:00,880 {\an2}All right, well, I'm going to give you three points for now, 865 00:42:00,920 --> 00:42:03,520 {\an2}and then... And then after we make love... 866 00:42:03,560 --> 00:42:05,520 {\an2}And then after we've had sex backstage 867 00:42:05,560 --> 00:42:07,680 {\an2}maybe I'll change the points. Yes. 868 00:42:07,720 --> 00:42:08,880 {\an2}Thank you. And that's a promise. 869 00:42:08,920 --> 00:42:10,080 {\an2}Thank you. Top - bottom. 870 00:42:12,960 --> 00:42:16,480 {\an2}Yeah. I've got very bad knees. I'll take whatever I'm given. 871 00:42:21,320 --> 00:42:23,840 {\an2}And I'm going to give four to Isy. Not bad. 872 00:42:23,880 --> 00:42:25,520 {\an2}Now, here's the weird thing. Mm. 873 00:42:25,560 --> 00:42:27,560 {\an2}Nina's still in the mix. I think... 874 00:42:29,600 --> 00:42:34,840 {\an2}I think Chloe's was by far the most pure, 875 00:42:34,880 --> 00:42:36,840 {\an2}so I'm going to give it five points. 876 00:42:36,880 --> 00:42:40,800 {\an2}But I'm also, for reasons I can't explain, 877 00:42:40,840 --> 00:42:42,840 {\an2}I'm also giving Nina five points. 878 00:42:42,880 --> 00:42:45,480 {\an2}There we go. I don't know why. 879 00:42:45,520 --> 00:42:46,560 {\an2}I don't know why. 880 00:42:47,720 --> 00:42:50,080 {\an2}OK, everyone, please, for the first time, 881 00:42:50,120 --> 00:42:52,960 {\an2}make your way to the stage for the final task of the show. 882 00:43:00,880 --> 00:43:04,120 {\an2}I'm already intrigued. Mm! Who will read the task, 883 00:43:04,160 --> 00:43:05,640 {\an2}young fella-me-lad? OK. 884 00:43:05,680 --> 00:43:07,640 {\an2}I think Matt Lucas will read the task. 885 00:43:08,960 --> 00:43:14,080 {\an2}Hold up the item or items that the taskmaster shouts. 886 00:43:14,120 --> 00:43:18,840 {\an2}You may only look in your belts after the taskmaster has shouted. 887 00:43:18,880 --> 00:43:23,080 {\an2}You must not remove your belts at any point. 888 00:43:23,120 --> 00:43:26,400 {\an2}Also, you must beep while searching. 889 00:43:28,080 --> 00:43:30,880 {\an2}Slowest player each round is eliminated. 890 00:43:30,920 --> 00:43:33,600 {\an2}Last player standing wins. 891 00:43:33,640 --> 00:43:34,920 {\an2}Yes, I think that's it, really. 892 00:43:34,960 --> 00:43:37,720 {\an2}Any questions? Hello, Richard Ayoade. 893 00:43:37,760 --> 00:43:39,000 {\an2}Can we keep the belts? 894 00:43:42,520 --> 00:43:44,520 {\an2}I think yes. Yes, yes, you can keep the belts. 895 00:43:44,560 --> 00:43:45,880 {\an2}Round one. 896 00:43:45,920 --> 00:43:46,920 {\an2}Sausage. 897 00:43:46,960 --> 00:43:49,880 {\an2}ALL: Beep, beep, beep... 898 00:43:49,920 --> 00:43:51,600 {\an2}No sign of a sausage yet. 899 00:43:51,640 --> 00:43:53,240 {\an2}No sign of a sausage. 900 00:43:54,600 --> 00:43:55,640 {\an2}We have a sausage! 901 00:43:56,760 --> 00:43:59,800 {\an2}Nina's safe. Who else is safe? 902 00:43:59,840 --> 00:44:01,120 {\an2}When you've found it, you can stop beeping. 903 00:44:01,160 --> 00:44:02,160 {\an2}Oh, we have another sausage. 904 00:44:03,440 --> 00:44:05,880 {\an2}Just three people beeping. Keep beeping. 905 00:44:05,920 --> 00:44:07,840 {\an2}Isy. Beep, beep, beep! 906 00:44:07,880 --> 00:44:09,360 {\an2}OK, OK! 907 00:44:09,400 --> 00:44:11,000 {\an2}Where's your sausage urgency? 908 00:44:12,680 --> 00:44:14,760 {\an2}ALL: Beep, beep, beep, beep... 909 00:44:16,360 --> 00:44:17,360 {\an2}Oh, bugger. 910 00:44:18,400 --> 00:44:19,600 {\an2}We have a sausage! 911 00:44:21,120 --> 00:44:23,200 {\an2}It's just Richard and Matt beeping now. 912 00:44:23,240 --> 00:44:24,800 {\an2}I'm very close to stopping beeping. 913 00:44:24,840 --> 00:44:26,280 {\an2}Beep the beep. 914 00:44:26,320 --> 00:44:27,400 {\an2}We have a winner! 915 00:44:29,800 --> 00:44:31,440 {\an2}We have lost Mr Matt Lucas, everyone. 916 00:44:31,480 --> 00:44:33,120 {\an2}There he goes 917 00:44:33,160 --> 00:44:35,840 {\an2}It's hard to think that this will sustain four rounds, isn't it? 918 00:44:37,520 --> 00:44:39,760 {\an2}Round two. Ready? Yes. Yes. 919 00:44:39,800 --> 00:44:41,000 {\an2}Apple and duck! 920 00:44:41,040 --> 00:44:42,360 {\an2}Apple and duck. 921 00:44:42,400 --> 00:44:44,600 {\an2}Have they remembered where the things are? 922 00:44:46,640 --> 00:44:49,240 {\an2}That's a pear. This is great stuff. 923 00:44:50,640 --> 00:44:51,640 {\an2}Chloe is through! 924 00:44:51,680 --> 00:44:56,200 {\an2}Makes it so much more exciting when they beep! Yes! 925 00:44:56,240 --> 00:44:57,280 {\an2}Well done, Nina. 926 00:44:57,320 --> 00:44:59,880 {\an2}Oh, beep. Richard, have you found anything yet this round? 927 00:44:59,920 --> 00:45:01,720 {\an2}Beep, beep, yeah, beep. 928 00:45:01,760 --> 00:45:03,920 {\an2}I bloody have. Beep. Beep-beep-beep. 929 00:45:03,960 --> 00:45:05,040 {\an2}Why are they all helping? 930 00:45:05,080 --> 00:45:07,560 {\an2}I don't think it's in the rules. 931 00:45:07,600 --> 00:45:09,080 {\an2}Beep in your face. 932 00:45:09,120 --> 00:45:10,160 {\an2}Yeah! 933 00:45:12,720 --> 00:45:13,800 {\an2}We've lost Isy Suttie. 934 00:45:15,320 --> 00:45:17,840 {\an2}Round three. Let's go. Paintbrush. Feather. Duck. 935 00:45:17,880 --> 00:45:19,680 {\an2}Beep. Beep. Beep-beep-beep. 936 00:45:19,720 --> 00:45:21,760 {\an2}Paintbrush, feather, duck. 937 00:45:21,800 --> 00:45:23,040 {\an2}Couple of feathers there. 938 00:45:23,080 --> 00:45:24,240 {\an2}What were the other things? 939 00:45:24,280 --> 00:45:25,480 {\an2}Paintbrush. Feather. Duck. 940 00:45:25,520 --> 00:45:27,760 {\an2}The paintbrush is enormous, by the way. 941 00:45:27,800 --> 00:45:29,840 {\an1}ALL STILL BEEPING 942 00:45:29,880 --> 00:45:31,920 {\an2}You do have to hold it up when you've got them all. 943 00:45:31,960 --> 00:45:35,240 {\an2}Can't get it out. Beep. Beep. 944 00:45:35,280 --> 00:45:36,600 {\an2}Oh, we have Chloe through. 945 00:45:36,640 --> 00:45:37,960 {\an2}Richard, are you through? 946 00:45:38,000 --> 00:45:40,080 {\an2}We have lost Nina Conti. Oh! 947 00:45:42,640 --> 00:45:43,720 {\an2}It's the final. 948 00:45:43,760 --> 00:45:44,960 {\an2}Good luck. 949 00:45:45,000 --> 00:45:46,360 {\an2}Egg. Lemon. 950 00:45:46,400 --> 00:45:48,000 {\an2}Fish. Paintbrush. 951 00:45:48,040 --> 00:45:50,040 {\an2}Beep-beep-beep... 952 00:45:50,080 --> 00:45:52,960 {\an2}Beep, beep, beep... 953 00:45:53,000 --> 00:45:56,160 {\an2}Oh, my God, he's so... 954 00:45:56,200 --> 00:45:57,200 {\an2}He's got two. 955 00:45:57,240 --> 00:45:59,600 {\an2}Yeah. Beep. Fish has broken beep. 956 00:45:59,640 --> 00:46:01,520 {\an2}Broken fish is fine. 957 00:46:01,560 --> 00:46:02,960 {\an2}Richard, have you won? 958 00:46:03,000 --> 00:46:04,320 {\an2}Of course not. OK. 959 00:46:06,960 --> 00:46:08,760 {\an2}How many do you need, Chloe? Beep-beep-beep-beep. One. 960 00:46:08,800 --> 00:46:09,800 {\an2}Which one? 961 00:46:09,840 --> 00:46:11,240 {\an2}Fish. 962 00:46:11,280 --> 00:46:13,840 {\an2}Beep-beep-beep. Oh. Maybe... Beep, beep. 963 00:46:13,880 --> 00:46:15,000 {\an2}We have a winner! 964 00:46:17,320 --> 00:46:19,800 {\an2}I will add that to the final scores. 965 00:46:19,840 --> 00:46:21,240 {\an2}Come down and join me. 966 00:46:28,280 --> 00:46:33,440 {\an2}Wow. Wow. Well, as we saw, Richard won the five points. 967 00:46:33,480 --> 00:46:36,600 {\an2}And that means that Richard is now not in last place. 968 00:46:36,640 --> 00:46:38,640 {\an2}He's in joint last place 969 00:46:38,680 --> 00:46:39,720 {\an2}with Isy on 13 points. 970 00:46:39,760 --> 00:46:42,920 {\an2}At the other end of the table - Matt 17, Nina, 18. 971 00:46:42,960 --> 00:46:45,000 {\an2}But the winner of the first episode is Chloe Petts with 19! 972 00:46:47,400 --> 00:46:48,960 {\an2}Chloe Petts wins! 973 00:46:49,000 --> 00:46:50,920 {\an2}Please head up to the stage 974 00:46:50,960 --> 00:46:53,800 {\an2}to stand firm with your droopy delights! 975 00:46:57,320 --> 00:46:59,320 {\an2}Subtitles by Red Bee Media